Today, April 22nd, is Earth Day… whoopee!!!!!

To celebrate this incredible day I’ve done some wonderful things — starting about 2 hours ago (12am PT) I turned on every light in my home, I turned on every TV and radio, powered up both my heater and air conditioner, turned on my oven and stove, started a fire in my chimney and opened the flue all the way, started my charcoal barbeque in the backyard, turned on all the halogens I have back there, started running my hot tub and pool heater (along with the lights and pump), started my cars and let them run while idling…

Later today I’ll drive aimlessly throught the countryside for hours, burning up tons of fuel (at a cool $3.40 a gallon out here in CA) and when I get back I’ll burn a pile of leaves and rubbish just for the hell of it… today I won’t recycle a damn thing, won’t separate trash from stuff that can be turned back into stuff, will throw away all those aluminum cans that I have collected in bags in my back yard and will let tons of those plastic bags you get at the grocery waft in the wind…

This is the way I celebrate Earth Day… hell, I should probably celebrate this way every day…

And for all you enviro-wacko climate-change-addled folks out there that think, no, feel that I am insane and should be put out of my misery I say to you…

We are in the midst of a battle… a fight between those that know that 99% of the “enviro” BS being spewed by these “earth-loving,” birkenstock wearing, tree-hugging, lentil eating, dred-locked freaks is out and out a fraud and those PC bastards trying to shove their leftist doctrines down our throats…

Every day more and more scientists are coming forward and proclaiming that “global warming” or the more K-Y-coated phrase “climate change” is not being caused by man… they are showing irrefutable facts that it’s a natural occurance that has happened before, is happening now and will happen again…

What pisses me off more than anything though is that 20 years ago I started buying thick winter coats in preparation of what these enviro-weenies were telling us was going to be a massive freeze… and now they tell me that I need to stock up on bermuda shorts and breezy mesh shirts because I’m gonna fry to death… make-up your mind you unholy bastards, freeze or fry?

But hey… considering the way I’m going to celebrate Earth Day I’m in pretty good company… you see, even with everything I’m doing to celebrate, with all the energy and fuel I’m consuming today, with all the tons and tons of CO2 I’m spewing into the atmosphere I’m actually conserving…

Why?

Because Al Gore uses more energy in one day than I do in a month!… in fact one of his 3 houses, the big one outside of Nashville, uses 20 times more energy each year than the average American home does… and he’s considered the “Godfather” of the global warming… er… climate change crusade…

To absolve myself of all my anti-ecology sins I’ve done what every good environmentalist is doing… I’ve bought carbon offset credits for my energy uses… yup, I laid out some cash, bought some credits and now all my sins are absolved and I can walk through the heavenly pearly-gates of enviromentalism with my head held high… it’s an ingenius system, all the moneyed enviro’s are doing it!

I even went one further… just like father Al, that supposedly buys credits to offset his massive energy uses (and hopefully his massive girth) I’ve done what he does, I’ve bought credits from myself… yup, I started my own carbon credit company just like him and I buy credits from myself to absolve me of my sins… my credits go towards growing plants to reduce CO2 (I plant radishes in the backyard) and increasing the creation and usage of methane and wind power (I buy lots of meat from flatulant cows to grill and I eat at Taco Bell often)…

You see, if you’re smart and alert you can learn from the enviro-asses… you can use their same tactics and practice their same medicine without having to give up your wasteful BS ways… it’s all in how you parse the info that is fed to you…

So, enjoy Earth Day… the day for pinko-commie enviroputz’s… celebrate to the fullest extent… just like me…

Al Gore is such an inconvenient douche…